There was a lot that kept me from travelling alone in my early twenties – but it was never a lack of desire. Anxiety played a big part, fluctuating funds as a writer was another concern and, perhaps most crucially, my Tourette’s.
Tourette Syndrome is a neurological condition that causes a person to make involuntary movements or sounds. I’ve had tics since I was a child that have included throat-clearing, making noises, repeating words, blinking, winking, flexing my jaw or fingers, repetitive clicking and gasping for air. These tics were at their worst in my late teens, and then fluctuated between manageable and unmanageable in my early twenties. When my tics were especially bad, I stayed inside – leaving the house, never mind travelling, was unthinkable. More specifically, I stayed in my own house in my own bedroom with the door shut. On the worst days, my world shrank to roughly 100 square feet of real estate in South East London.
Being in public when my tics were flaring up was exhausting. Even if people weren’t looking or judging, I assumed they were, and that assumption alone was often just as inhibiting as the tics themselves. My tics get worse when I’m anxious or stressed, and the idea of travelling abroad alone made me feel anxious and stressed. I convinced myself that it wouldn’t be worth it. The last thing I wanted to do was to take my tics further afield, on a plane and towards a place that held none of my usual comforts or safety.
But life, as it often will, invited me to have a proper crack at it. Medications and therapy in my early and mid-twenties had helped with my tics – or at least made it possible for me to care far less about them. I wanted to do the things I wanted to do, and I didn’t want to wait any longer.
On my first trip alone abroad I was, as predicted, very anxious and stressed. On the flight over to Athens, I repetitively chewed the inside of my cheek (one of my more painful tics) and the first few glasses of wine I drank in Greece were absolute torture. Still, I had made it there, and that felt enormous.
